Coming Out (Again)

CW: This post contains sexual content, discussion of kink and BDSM, and exploration of queer identity and asexuality.

Ah, that face. I know it all too well — confusion and despair wrapped into one look. The look of someone who wanted something from me, bewildered that their usual tactics aren't landing. The look that says "Hey, I tried to flirt with you and it fell completely flat. Did... did I do something wrong?"

Having come out as Aromantic two years ago , I could always explain this away. I'm not romantically attracted to others. I'm not looking for a romance-based relationship, I have no interest in finding "the one" or settling down. But not everyone approaching me wants that either — for a lack of a better phrase, sometimes they just want to bone me. Fair enough. I consider myself sex-positive, sexually open, and generally up for it — and yet, over the past few months, something has felt off. A disconnect between me and sex.

I've never questioned myself more than I have over the past few years, especially since moving across the country , giving me the ability to easily socialise with people with similar experiences and interests. Things change. People change. I accept it when others change, but also more begrudgingly, accept it when I change. About 13 years ago I was outed in school as Homosexual — attracted to other men, full stop. And although I discovered my Aromantic self well over a decade later, the more I think about it, that part of me was always solid. My wants were simple: sex, kink, nothing more. Without going into much detail, this is known as the Split Attraction Model (SAM) : your -sexual and -romantic interests can be misaligned.

Sex, kink, nothing more — this has begun to bother me. Am I just... a user? I spend hours in play with friends, old and new, and then feel nothing for them the moment the kink leaves the room. Like a switch flips. The BDSM space has been my world for years — the power and submission is where I feel most safe, most involved, most myself. While some people just want a quick one, I need something — anything. Kink makes me incredibly confident in those situations, overpowering me, erasing me entirely — and, hey, even that's a kink of mine. One of many. It becomes apparent that something's off when people make comments like "you're not interested in me" or "you don't find me hot" — and the honest answer is that when the kink goes away, they're not wrong. Take heavy gear, one of my biggest: I find myself hot in it, I find others hot in it, but the attraction evaporates the moment they're back to their regular self. I don't want to be the person who discards people once they're done with them. Yes, even subs can use people.

I'm gay; homosexual. At least, I think I am? Or, I was? At 17 years old, I wanted nothing more than to be close to another male, and now things have gone into flux. Even my pronouns have shifted to it/its; a nod to my sexual object-like tendencies. Gender is starting to feel beside the point — what I'm chasing is the dynamic, the power, the submission. No expectations. No aftermath. Just the moment, and then nothing.

I'm not homosexual, perhaps? Not anymore.

Things change. People change.

I'm Gray-Asexual.

Relief. That's how it felt. The same relief when I discovered I was Aromantic.

Being A-spec is coming to terms with not understanding attraction, whether it manifests as Asexuality or Aromanticism . While Asexuality is often associated with those who have little or no sexual interest, Gray-Asexuality almost explains itself — the gray area, where sexuality isn't black and white. I'm still sex-positive, still sexually-inclined; other GrAce-identifying people may not feel the same. For me, sex and intimacy come with conditions.

The gray-A spectrum includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction, experience it at a low intensity, or feel it only under specific circumstances. The definition of gray-asexuality is intentionally vague, allowing for a variety of experiences that do not fit completely under the allosexual or asexual identities.

[...]

A black, gray, white, and purple flag is commonly used to display pride in the asexual community. The gray bar represents the area of gray sexuality within the community [...]

— Gray asexuality on Wikipedia

Fluctuation has been a constant theme throughout this post, and I hesitate to draw any real conclusion. Things will change. They should. But being able to put a label on another discovery allows me to bond with others, feel less guilty about my needs, and maybe ground a few other questioning people along the way. Gray-Asexuality and Asexuality seem to be rather common in kink and BDSM spaces, and I'm humbled to be deeper in the A-spec space. It's a sexuality I've always been fascinated by. Now I know why.

"So, did I do something wrong?"

No, you didn't. You've come across someone who can see beyond sexuality and romantic attraction. It might not work for everyone, and I'm sure not framing that as me being somehow better than others — but you're interacting with someone, something, with purely primal instincts. Someone who is not ashamed to base their entire existence on kink, BDSM, and sexual experiences. Someone who gets happy when you call it "toy". Someone you don't need to flirt with, but simply ask. Me.

Hey, you! Really would mean a great deal if you replied to this post, either on Bluesky or Leaflet (login with your Bluesky account). Would like to do a follow-up in a week or so, so any input, shared experiences, or questions, would be welcome!